


Better Sorry than Safe

by nerdzeword



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, I feel like this should be tagged with something else, Regret, all the makings of a pain inducing fic, but I'm not sure what that is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 22:22:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5643982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdzeword/pseuds/nerdzeword
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione has a lot of regrets. Breaking up with him is not one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Sorry than Safe

_ I can't even think of one good reason _

_ Why I'm always thinking about leaving _

_ It's not like everything's so horrible _

 

Hermione watched him sleep, regret fogging her eyes and coloring his skin with a gray light. Why hadn’t she stopped him? She knew it felt wrong before they had even started. Nothing had felt right in a long time. So why did she say yes? She knew why, of course she knew why. She was just so tired. She was tired of fighting with him, of telling him no and having no real reasons why not. Because he was right after all. They had been together for a long time and they were moving at a healthy rate. So why did so feel so sick and dirty?

 

_ We've been together for a few years now _

_ And you know all my ins and outs _

_ But everything's way too comfortable _

_ From the moment I wake I plan my escape _

 

Hermione watched him leave for what she hoped wasn’t the last time. She may not have loved him as much as he had wanted her to, but he was still one of her best friends and she did care about him. It nearly killed her to have to break his heart like that. Her mom came up behind her and wrapped her in a hug.

 

_ I'm not scared _

_ 'Cause I know there's something out there waiting for me _

_ And I swear that I'll find it someday, just wait and see _

 

“It hurts. Doesn’t it? Breaking their hearts.” Her mom held her as she let the tears escape. She only nodded. The books and movies never talked about that part. The part where you feel sick because they obviously trusted you and you let them down. It also didn’t talk about the part where she felt as if a thousand pounds had been lifted from her shoulders.

“Why does it hurt so much when all I feel is relief that it’s over?” She asked. Her mom only held her tighter and didn’t answer.

 

_ I don't care that you call me crazy _

_ I can't stay 'cause I need room to breathe _

_ There's nothing left to say, better sorry than safe _

 

She had never hated him. Never that. But as the months wore on and he alternated between ignoring her, pretending nothing happened between them, and making passive aggressive remarks about her to his friends when he thought she wasn’t paying attention, she felt the hatred grow. How dare he treat her as if she she were the bad guy. She had told him every problem she had found in their relationship, and they had both known that their relationship was becoming strained. Not to mention what he did.

 

_ Sometimes I wish you cheated on me _

_ Then leavin' here would be so easy _

_ It's time to take a chance and give you up _

_ In the morning I'll wake and make my escape _

 

She had talked about their problems to her mom beforehand. Helen Granger was nothing if not sympathetic. But it was obvious what she wanted Hermione to choose for herself. She laid the facts out in her usual blunt manner. It was true. Hermione was smarter than him, she was more ambitious and she was starting to feel like he was holding her back. Yes, he was talking about getting married, but he hadn’t even thought to get a ring! But none of those issues took into account that she loved him.

“I won’t tell you what to decide dear, but at least you have a chance at remaining friends, since you were never intimate.” Hermione felt a jolt of guilt and regret shoot through her body. That was the issue though. Wasn’t it? How could she spend the rest of her life with someone she wasn’t even sure if she’d forgiven?

 

_ I'm not scared _

_ 'Cause I know there's something out there waiting for me _

_ And I swear that I'll find it someday, just wait and see _

 

She spent the next three days staring at the wall or the tv. She knew she was acting strange but she couldn’t really be bothered to fix it. How do you come to terms with the fact that you just shot down the one person to ever have the nerve to ask you out? How do you reconcile the fact that you may have turned down your one last chance at happiness. She asked these questions of her friend Luna who only replied that of course she would find someone else who would accept her. Hermione still wasn’t sure.

 

_ I don't care that you call me crazy _

_ I can't stay 'cause I need room to breathe _

_ There's nothing left to say, better sorry than safe _

 

She knew it was her fault. She was the one who said yes, no matter how many times he had pushed her. She had said yes, how was he supposed to know she meant no? But she couldn’t help but be bitter and angry at his lack of perception. What was she supposed to say when he said “you’ve never had a problem with it before.” How could she say “yes I did, I just didn’t feel comfortable enough in our relationship to tell you, despite the fact that we’ve been together for what seems like forever.” How was she supposed to tell him that every kiss they shared, ever since the very first, burned her lips and made her gut churn in disgust, but she blamed it all on her inexperience because she was afraid?

 

_ I'm not scared _

_ 'Cause I know there's something out there waiting for me _

_ And I swear that I'll find it someday, just wait and see _

 

It was a year later before she could really truly talk about him again. And even then not really, she never shared the details and she never shared the fear. Because how could she ever find anyone to love her when even the thought of the very act she had willingly participated in the year before made her feel sick? She thought he might have broken her, then she realized that she’d probably been broken from the start, it had just taken  _ him _ to show her.

 

_ I don't care that you call me crazy _

_ I can't stay 'cause I need room to breathe _

_ There's nothing left to say, better sorry than safe _

_ Oh yeah, there's nothing left to say _

 

“I feel like you’re the best friend.” All she could do was cock an eyebrow.

“What does that mean?”

“You know, You’re everyone’s best friend. Always the maid of honor and never the bride? The one who shows up with gifts and stories for all of your adopted nieces and nephews?” She just nodded and shot him a grin, laughing away the hurt.

“Yep. That’s me! Crazy cat lady aunt!” Was that really how everyone saw her? As just the best friend? The one to whom you confessed your crushes, and make stupid dick jokes that literally no one found funny? Sure, that was what she had resigned herself to, telling everyone she was too busy with her work to have time for a boyfriend. But did no one ever think she could ever be desireable as something other than ‘the best friend’ role she had perfected?

 

But then again. Wasn’t that what she had decided all those months ago? She had determined back then that she wasn’t going to settle for anything less than what she deserved, and so, despite the pain, that was what she was going to do. Better sorry than safe right?

**Author's Note:**

> The song is Better Sorry than Safe, by Halestorm. This was a really hard fic for me to write, but one that's been weighing on my mind a lot, especially since my own breakup.


End file.
